Blah Blah Blah

I get that everyone is entitled to their feelings, but I'm tired of mine being invalidated.  Do you know how long it finally took me to grow the balls to be able to finally realize I wanted out of my marriage?  It took me a long time because my feelings were always invalidated.  Everything is always my fault, and I'm the shitty parent, I'm bankrupting the family.  After a while, the constant blame starts to make you believe that everything is all your fault, that you are a shitty mother and that you are bankrupting the family.

I'm just so done, I can't do it anymore.  I'm getting a divorce because I matter... my feelings matter.

I plan on seeing a therapist to help me through everything... I've been so caught up on everything and anything, that I really haven't had time to deal with the underlying issue that is me.  How are my kids going to get along in life if I'm not the best mother that I can be?  I want and need to be happy again... I'm tired of putting on a fake front, it's too much.

I'm also going to meet with a financial planner to get my finances straight as well as working on building up my credit.  Eventually I would like to buy my own house for the kids and I to live in.

I'm packing up my life each and every day that I get home... I'm also purging a lot of stuff that I know I no longer need.  I hope to eventually be able to live the minimalist life; simple, quiet and quaint.  This divorce and move is helping me reach that goal, that's for sure.

Not much else is going on... just waiting for my parents to replace their carpet upstairs so that the kids and I can move it... I think we are all praying that that kids and I are out of there by the 1st.  Physically the kids and I will be out... might take a little longer for all of our crap to come along too.

Once the dust has settled, I'll work on getting the divorce moving, money is tight now that we are splitting households.

Everyone keeps telling me life will get better... in fact I tell myself that all the time, but I'm starting to wonder if it's even true... because as of right now, I don't feel that at all.

It's been awhile....

pfft pfft... tap tap tap... is this thing still on?!

Wow... It's been a hot minute since I last posted a blog update... 2014!!!  Since then my daughter has turned 3, I had another baby, Peyton and he's turning 1 on April 7th... oh and I'm getting a divorce!

Say what?!?  Yup, you heard me right... I'm getting a divorce.  Before you all start freaking out, please know that I've done enough of that since letting my soon to be ex-husband know and that was on the 3rd.

It's no joke when they say that splitting up with a spouse is an emotional roller coaster... throw two young kids in the mix and it's the worst.  Yes I tried working it out and no it's not going to work, I'm unhappy and my kids know it.

Currently I'm working on packing and purging all household items I no longer need, frankly... moving fucking sucks and I don't want to have to pack, unpack and repack.  The kids and I are moving in with my parents because lets face it, my job doesn't pay me enough to live on my own and my credit score is in the low 400's so I'm not buying or renting a house anytime soon.  So yea, the kids and I will be each living out of a room and a storage unit!

My 3 year old is finally starting to realize that something is happening... she got upset when she woke up Sunday morning and every single picture was taken off the walls... Even the soon to be ex was having a hard time.  I'm not about to leave stuff on the walls and continue to pretend to be a family when frankly we haven't been one for months.  I'm going to let my parents basement enjoy all the pictures, at least there I know they will be safe.

Last night was the first night in a while that my thoughts kept me up... oh and maybe the ginormous Diet Coke I downed right before bed didn't help either.  I was up all night silently freaking out.  I wanted to ugly cry but everyone in the house would have heard.  While I know my soon to be ex would never hurt me, I still don't like living there anymore, it's awkward as fuck.

So yea, currently my life is work, going home and packing, and taking care of the kids.  The silver lining out of all of this is I get to have primary custody of the kids... their father will have them every other weekend.

So stay tuned... I'll be documenting my journey from Married: Party of 4 to Divorced: Party of 3!

So What Wednesday!

It’s So What Wednesday over at Life After I Dew and I’m linking up! This week I am saying SO WHAT if….

 

~ I almost killed my husband this morning!  I won't even get into the reason why, but yea, he's lucky he survived!

 

~ I wore jeans to work today... it was -13 with a -30 windchill... No way was I wearing flimsy work pants in those temperatures.

 

~ I'm obsessed with ThirtyOne!  One of my co-workers is now a consultant!  I'm purposely going to have an online party every month just so I can order all the stuff I need to re-do Delaney's nursery!

 

~ I've become catty again!  Not at work but on the way to work and from work.  I've learned my lesson, I don't dare speak catty at work... but after work, game on!

 

~ I have my employee review tomorrow, though my one year anniversary was in October, lol.  I'm scared sh*tless.  I know exactly what I want to say and I've got all this work product to prove that I deserve a significant raise, but I know for a fact that the second I sit down with my boss I'm going to turn into a blubbering idiot.  I just don't get it!

 

~ My past is coming back to haunt me.  So many people that I used to be friends with or worked with back in the day, find it shocking that I not only have a baby but that I am also married.  Seriously?!?!?  How is it so hard to believe that I am married and have a baby?

 

~ I have SO much work to do... I've been back to work full-time for over three weeks now and I'm still putting out fires that I was trying to extinguish before I left on maternity leave!  What the hell did my temp do for 8 frickin weeks?

 

~ I need a vacation.  I'm going to convince the husband that we NEED to get out of the state, even if it means just a road trip to Yellowstone or something.  Nothing big, just get me the hell out of here this summer!

 

So... that is it for me on this darling Wednesday, what are you saying so what to?

 

 

Thursday Thoughts!

I'm linking up with Jennifer over at Ramblings of a Suburban Mom for Thursday Thoughts!  It has been almost 9 months since my last Thursday Thoughts link-up... So without further delay, this Thursday I'm thinking about...

 

~ Us Colorado folks are under a winter storm warning... 5-10 inches expected with some areas possibly getting a foot or more.  I'm a native and deal with this ish every year, it doesn't really scare me, that is until I've got my newborn in the car with me.  I know how to drive, it's the other idiot drivers out there that I worry about.

 

~ Speaking of snow, the weather this year is hinky.  Polar Vortex?  In the 32 years I've been alive I swear this is the first time I've ever heard of it.  Georgia shutting down over two inches of snow and ice?  I'm assuming that is unusual weather for Georgia because that is nothing to us here in Colorado, in fact that is like a daily occurence here in the winter.  Don't get me wrong, my heart went out to all those stranded folks on the highway and all those kids that got stuck at school.

 

~ I am so excited for the Super Bowl on Sunday.  Not only are the Broncos and Peyton Manning playing, but it will be Delaney's first Super Bowl and the best part is she will be spending it with her Grandma and Grandpa!  Grandpa is a HUGE Broncos fan and is looking forward to making Delaney a Broncos fan too.

 

~ So I made the mistake of bragging that Delaney was sleeping through the night, I really should have known better, Delaney woke up at 2:30 this morning and then I had a heck of time getting back to sleep.  I finally just gave up and cuddled with her.  But I must have fallen back asleep because my alarm rudely woke me up.  Then I really struggled to wake up and get ready... I'm currently drinking a REALLY BIG Diet Coke to wake me up.

 

~ I've got a TON of clothes for Delaney and everytime I see more cute clothes I get them.  Plus Tim refuses to sell or give any away until we know if we are having another girl or not.  I don't blame him but if I can make some extra money in the process, why not?

 

~ I'm looking forward to the weekend, uninterupted quality time with my husband and daughter!  This is what life is all about for me and I couldn't be any happier.

 

That's it from here this lovely Thursday!  What are you thinking about today?

So What Wednesday!

It’s So What Wednesday over at Life After I Dew and I’m linking up after a 6 month hiatus! This week I am saying SO WHAT if….

 

~ I miss Delaney being a teeny tiny new born.... And here is why....

 

~ I regret being a psycho hosebeast when she was first born.  In all fariness I was suffering from a mild form of Post-partum depression and anxiety and unfortunaltey it affected/effected (?) my ability to properly care for her.

 

~ I don't regret enjoying watching her grow into a big girl!  Everyday that she comes home from daycare shes learned something new and it's not always obvious.

 

~ Last night Delaney was just pleased as punch that she learned how to make some cooing/gurguling noise and I encouraged it by cooing/gurguling back.  It was the cutest thing ever and besides, the smiles I would get from her while doing it, BEST. THING. EVER!

 

~ I turned into the mom I promised myself I never would be.  I was adamant that Delaney would never sleep with me in bed.  Well that lasted about um, maybe a month.  Delaney now sleeps with me in bed and it's the most wonderful thing.  She sleeps on her side and I sleep on my side and our faces touch.  I love feeling her hot breath on my face at night, BEST. FEELING. EVER!

 

~ The daycare and I are working together on trying to crib train Delaney, not the best thing ever.  The second she starts to feel herself being lowered down, she starts to scream.  Don't get me wrong, I love sleeping with my baby girl, but I miss my husband something fierce.  My hubby and I haven't slept in bed together in almost a year.  I had a very painful pregnancy that just didn't allow for us to occupy the same bed at the same time.

 

~ I enjoy the fact that I've turned into one of those braggy moms, "OMG, guess what Delaney did last night?!"  or even better, "No joke, but my kid is 9 weeks today and has been sleeping through the night since she was 8 weeks old!"  Don't hate, that last statement is true!

 

~ My parents take Delaney every Friday night for an overnight with Grandma and Grandpa!  Delaney gets spoiled and Tim and I get one night to live like we don't have a kid....

 

~ But trust me, my body knows I have a kid and shuts down after a certain time... 9:00pm is my new midnight!  And 5:00am is my new 9:00am!

 

~ I'm going to close this post down with the most adorable picture of my baby girl!

So... that is it for me on this darling Wednesday, what are you saying so what to?

 

The life of being a mother, one week in! Oh and Delaney's birth story!

Well... It has been a while since I last posted, according to Blogger my last post was in July, oopie!  Life has been a bit hectic for my husband and I.  We tried very hard to get life in before our baby girl got here so blog posting was the last thing on my mind.  So besides all that, this is what you are here for...

I'm a new mommy to a one week old baby girl, Delaney Jacqueline Rose!  She was born at 5:20pm on Wednesday November 27, 2013.  She weighed 7lbs and 7oz and she was 20 inches long.  I hate to brag but being a first time mom, I was only in active labor for TWO HOURS!!  I went from being 4cm dilated to 9cm in 15 minutes.  My husband barely made it back before I had to start pushing or at least before I begged them to let me start pushing.

I went into the hospital at 6:00am that morning and it took two hours and multiple attempts to try and get a good vein for an IV.  For one I was a bit dehydrated and I begged the nurses to let me hydrate before attempting to poke me for a millionth time.  Every time they would get a vein and start to hydrate me my vein would blow.  Then they tried to bring in the anesthesiologist and I sent her right back out when I saw the needle she tried to poke me with.  They finally sent in my doc and her best friend and nurse who not only used a smaller IV needle but managed to find a vein without killing me.  Turns out she had to give her grandson an IV everyday due to a medical condition so she was pro at working with little veins.  Once they were able to establish an IV line they hydrated me and hooked me up to a course of antibiotics and then hooked me up to the Pitocin.

Once the Pitocin had a chance to work as well as the IV antibiotics were given.  My doc came in at about 12ish or so and broke my water... that was a very interesting feeling and experience.  I'm kind of glad my husband wasn't there, it was a wee bit embarrassing.  So once my water broke oh man did the contractions hit me hard and fast.  I tried as hard as I could to hold out for the epidural but maybe lasted an hour or so.  I applause and admire you women that can give birth without any pain medicine because I sure as heck could not, the pain was more than I could handle.  But I now know that nothing is as painful as giving birth.  I can now say that without feeling weird because I would say that and I had never given birth before, lol.

Holy Hannah, the epidural experience... My mom had to be there for that one.  We sent Tim out of the room because after his experience with the IV nightmare I couldn't afford for him to pass out again.  Yes folks my husband passed out when they were trying to establish an IV.  Ok so, I had to be poked twice for the epidural because I kept retracting my back.  But once it was established and my entire bottom half was numb, I was beyond grateful and super proud of myself.  For one I didn't think I could ever do it.  So once the epidural was established and making me feel good, I enjoyed life for about 3-4 hours or so.  I should have listened to the nurses when they told me to sleep, had I known then that the pushing process was so laborious, I would have made it a priority to get that nap in.  So at about 4ish or so the nurse came in to check on me and I was still at 4cm.  At that time I sent my husband and his dad packing and told them it could be a few more hours.  Yea those were the famous last words!

No sooner than my husband and father in law left that I went from 0 to 30 in .3546 milliseconds.  It literally is no joke that when you get the urge to push, you get the urge to push.  OMG, that feeling hit me like a ton of bricks.  It literally felt like I needed to poo (sorry for the TMI folks).  So the nurse decided to check to see if it was that urge or the urge to push.  Sure as ish, she checked me and I was 9cm.  My mom could not pick up the phone fast enough to get my husband back to the hospital.  So here I am needing to push, my husband is MIA and my doc is finishing up her appointments.  I'm literally begging the nurses in between my anxiety attacks and needing to push contractions.  Finally my husband shows up and then so does my doctor.

Yay, I finally get to push and push I did.  Holy Hannah Banana, that pushing process is a mother jumper.  I could not get that kid out of me fast enough.  Not only am I using what little energy I no longer have but I'm literally passing out after every push, everyone is literally rousing me awake for the next round of pushing.  After what seems like freakin forever, the fruits of my labor is finally born, a beautiful bouncing baby girl.  I don't think I've ever been more relieved in my entire life when my doc and the nurses were like, "It's a girl!"  Damn right she better be a girl, I've got embroidered goods with her name on it that I would never be able to return.  Not to mention all the pink ish I bought after I promised myself and Tim that I would keep everything gender neutral, lol!

So after an uneventful two days in the hospital, my husband and I were released on our own recognizance with our baby girl.  We were relieved to be out of the hospital but boy were we beyond anxious to be home.  No more help or assistance from the nurses, it was just us three and the cat of course.

It has been one week since my baby girl has been born and boy has it been an interesting learning experience.  I've had more than one post-partum anxiety attack and my frustration level has reached beyond infinity and back.  But if there is one thing that my daughter has been teaching me, it's patience.  I'm still learning and she is still teaching me, but boy is it a tough learning experience.  Sleep is few and far between and I still don't know how to quit taking on the world and taking care of my newborn.  I've always lived life at 1000 miles an hour and I was still living it the day before Delaney was born and unfortunately I'm still trying to live it after. 

Don't get it twisted folks, I regret nothing and if anything, having this baby is the best decision I've ever made.  I was told by so many that it would be tough and I honestly should have listened rather than poopoo them.  It has been tough and I foresee it getting tougher before getting better, but to be honest, it was all worth it, every last bit of the good and bad.  I've only got a short amount of time with my baby girl before I have to return back to work so my goal from here on out is to live for her and not take what little time I have left for granted.  Oh and I will learn to start napping when she naps, so far that is a goal I have yet to take advantage of because once again I'm trying to live life at a 1000 miles an hour.

So far one week in, completely and utterly exhausted to the point of hallucinating but unbelievably rewarding.  My husband and my daughter are the two best things that have ever happened to me.

So What Wednesday!

It’s So What Wednesday over at Life After I Dew and I’m linking up! This week I am saying SO WHAT if….

~ I'm still shaking my head at the Zimmerman verdict, I want to strangle all the jurors!  What if that was YOUR kid?!?!?  Would you still feel the same way?!?!  My household is divided over this, so I don't dare speak about it at my house!

~ Um, so yea, I went a little to hogwild and spent like $300+ on goodies for Delaney!  I'm trying to find a good way to tell Tim and then let him know at the same time that I will try my damned hardest not to do it again!

~ I'm rejoycing, I finally received a diagnosis for the severe pain I've been experiencing for the last month or so, symphysis pubis dysfunction, only 7% of women experience it during pregnancy and apparently ice and specialized prenatal PT helps to keep the pain manageable!  Until this kid comes out, I'm going to have to learn to live with the pain, awesome sauce!

~ I'm inpatient, I can't wait for my babyshower!  I need to know what everyone is going to buy me like now, or I'm going to spend all of mine and Tim's hard earned money on it all, lol!

~ I'm finally going on my first overnight camp/fishing trip with Tim and our friends since becoming pregnant!  The catch, I'm lugging all 20 million of my pillows in order to be comfortable.  Until you've experienced what I am experiencing right now, the only comfort you have at night is a million pillows stuffed every which way underneath you!

~ I'm envious of you ladies and your second trimester mack truck appetite and energy spurts.  I've got none of that!  I'm lucky if I'm ever in the mood to eat and don't have to force myself.  And this supposed extra energy I'm supposed to have during the second trimester, I really do need this, my house is disgusting, I'm too tired to clean and my husband refuses to help!

~ My husband and I haven't slept in the same bed together in months!  I am ashamed to admit this because I miss him dearly!!!  Due to my need of 20 million pillows, there is no place for him to sleep.  So it's just me, my prego belly, my 20 million pillows and Lillian (cat) to fend for ourselves at night!  Lillian has learned where to sleep in order to avoid my constant need to pee and of course my constant need to switch sides at night.

So... that is it for me on this darling Wednesday, what are you saying so what to?